Lost and Found through Grief
By George Halasz
I reassured myself, if I prepare well enough
I reassured myself, if I rehearse my reactions
I reassured myself, I might lessen the anticipated piercing pain
the moment which will catch my breath, my mother’s death.
For many weeks before I lived my life on probation
hovering beween privation
I learnt to make tentative plans, again and again,
broken as I was beckoned by yet another health carer’s concern,
duty called, I remained on call 24/7, I forgo self-concern.
I tried to detach from my sinking self, to salvage joy
but found it beyond possible to recall happier times, no decoy.
I hovered –
between forceful realisations, smothered
between waves of remorse, engulfed
in resentment, rage, submerged
in self-pity, subjugated in masochism,
how do I salvage my frozen vitality?
I resolved to avoid, at least restrain, void’s numbing
I resolved to regain reverence for my life’s primal rhythm
I resolved to repair and restore my suspended breath
that inevitable moment, I deferred my self-care till after her death.
Yes, we managed to survive, each test, after test, after test
Finally, in the mirror of my mind, void reflected its visible head
a perception emerged between damnation and salvation
a perception of my mother and I, once lost, finally found
a perception of how we survived our generational test
beyond deprivation, our double privation.